Helpful questions for regulating our emotions

Part of what informs our emotions is our past experience and how we organise it into easily accessible data in the brain.

We develop mental shortcuts about our understanding of the world, others, and ourselves.

These mental shortcuts are often very helpful, keeping us safe from dangers, motivating us to do things we value, and helping us to connect with others. However, sometimes they don’t work as well as we might hope and can lead to us speaking to ourselves in ways that can become unhelpful.

Noticing when we get particularly stuck with an emotion around feedback (for example, shame, anger, embarrassment) can be a powerful cue to help us to tune into the automatic thoughts, words, or images that may otherwise pass our minds unobserved in any given moment.

After reflecting on a few feedback encounters, you might have noticed some similarities. Perhaps there are some situations, types or styles of feedback that bring up similar thoughts and emotions? It could be that you notice a pattern.

Thinking styles

Sometimes the feedback that we receive can bring up a range of thoughts. As a result of feedback received, we may perceive work as worse than it actually is, worry about consequences of not doing good work, or think we might not be able to address some of the comments we receive. We might also worry about how someone responds if we were to seek feedback from them. It’s important to acknowledge the presence of thoughts that can get in the way of us engaging in feedback, because then we can do something about them.

One way to approach challenging feedback is to put ourselves in the shoes of a curious observer (as though the feedback was directed at someone else) and review the feedback in a safe space at a time when we are more relaxed. This can help to take the emotions out of our responses and allow us to think more critically.

Some other points to think about include:

• What suggests that the feedback giver is generally trying to help you improve? It may be interactions you have had with them in the past.
• While you may have received critical comments on some areas, the absence of comments on other areas can sometimes be an indicator that your work is up to the standard for those areas.
• Talk to someone you trust about the feedback you received, how you reacted when you read it, and what you think it means. They may see things differently than what you do because it’s not directed at them specifically. You can also talk about how you plan to address the difficult comments.
• Prioritise planning to address criticism in a time and place when you are relaxed and open. We will look at this a bit more in coming steps.

Asking helpful questions

By acknowledging and giving space to both the comfortable and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings we experience around feedback, we can allow ourselves some more flexibility in how we regulate our emotions to help us take actions aligned with our goals and values.

Here are some helpful questions you might like to ask yourself when you notice a shift in your emotions and tune into your thoughts.

Let’s say you are having some unhelpful thoughts about the feedback that you have been provided. You could ask yourself:

• What is the evidence that this thought is 100% true? What is the evidence that this thought is not 100% true all the time?
• What is the best case scenario and, realistically, what is the worst that could happen? How would I cope if the worst did happen? What is more likely or realistic?
• Is there some other perspective that I haven’t considered?
• How could I test the strength of my belief in this thought by collecting more information?
• How does acting in response to this thought work for me? In the short term? In the long term?
• If I heard my friend saying this, what would I say to them?
• If my friend heard me saying this, what might they say to me?
• What do I need to hear right now in this difficult moment?

Share your thoughts

Look back at some of the feedback situations you reflected on earlier – your emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, and behaviours.

You might like to reflect on the questions above. Perhaps you come up with some different or more flexible ways of thinking. What do you notice about your emotions when you think in this way?

Share which questions you find most helpful in the comments, and any new questions you may have come up with.

You might like to discuss your responses to the above questions with someone you trust.

References

Beck, J. S. (1995). Cognitive therapy : basics and beyond. Guilford Press.

Burns, D. D. (1988). Feeling good : the new mood therapy. Information Australia Group.

Harris, R. (2019). ACT made simple : an easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications.

Rachman, S., & Shafran, R. (1999). Cognitive distortions: thought–action fusion. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 6(2), 80–85.