Approaching feedback with self-compassion

Feedback involves evaluation.

It’s true that judgement is made about the quality of our work, which may require us to make changes. In the effort to make change, we can also find ourselves listening to our inner critic in addition to the feedback we receive from others.

Rather than constructive or critical feedback, this part of our internal monologue expresses criticism and negative judgements (e.g. ‘Stop being lazy, work harder’). Learning to recognise when the inner critic is active, and to speak to ourselves compassionately and take compassionate actions, can be a helpful way of looking after ourselves when feedback does feel upsetting or overwhelming.

Self-compassion is an approach that asks us to be kind to ourselves when we are navigating difficult emotional experiences. It’s about using the skills we have in showing compassion toward others and turning them toward ourselves when we are struggling, recognising our shared humanity, and taking a mindful non-judgemental approach to observing our emotions and experience.

Stall, slow down, and soothe

Sometimes, giving or responding to feedback in the moment can be hard to do. It can also be difficult to use some of the strategies we have introduced so far, particularly if they are new or in response to a new situation. It is okay to take time to think carefully about feedback.

Where practical, the compassionate thing to do for yourself in that moment may be to stall by putting the feedback encounter aside, slow down your nervous systems, and soothe by doing something kind for yourself.

We are our own experts in what helps our bodies feel calm, but here are a few activities you might like to try:

• Change your physiology: try slow breathing, exercise, changing the temperature on your skin (splashing your face or hands with cold water)
• Spend time in green or blue spaces, such as by going for a walk at a local park
• Listen to music you enjoy
• Do something creative
• Try a mindfulness practice
• Talk to a compassionate friend
• Set aside some time to think compassionately

These strategies could help you to manage difficult feedback, rather than avoiding it completely.

Another way you can be kind to yourself is by making a plan for approaching the feedback again at a later time, and in a way that allows you to remain open, non-judgemental, and compassionate toward yourself and others.

Thinking with compassion

Thinking compassionately involves us becoming aware of our inner critic speaking and inviting ourselves to make space for our compassionate selves to speak. Ways to do this include:

• Thinking about how we would speak to a friend who is navigating a challenge (see our helpful questions in the previous step for some ideas)
• Using mindfulness to acknowledge our emotions or discomfort
• Reminding ourselves of the shared humanity in struggle
• Inviting ourselves to be kind by reflecting on what we need to hear in this moment

Practise your skills

Imagine your friend came to you with their report that they had received feedback on. Some of the comments were:

• ‘The objective of the report needs to be clearer.’
• ‘Why isn’t the budget included in this document? Please add it.’
• ‘I don’t know what you are trying to say here. Please revise.’
• ‘Overall, the report is great, but still needs work. Please make the necessary revisions and get it back to me by Friday.’

Your friend says to you, ‘I really messed up here, I feel so embarrassed.’ What would you say to your friend?

References

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. Hachette UK.

Linehan, M. (2014). DBT skills training manual. The Guilford Press.

Saulsman, L., Campbell, B., & Sng, A. (2017). Building Self-Compassion: From Self-Criticism to Self-Kindness. Centre for Clinical Interventions.