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Michaela O'Connor
Studying towards becoming a counsellor.
Areas of particular interest: psychology, ADHD/autism spectrum disorder, climate science and advocacy.
Location Switzerland
Achievements
Activity
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it makes sense to me.
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I would say the common theme is that the abuser believes themself to be superior to the victim, or at least acts that way. All the elements mentioned (the victim's aspirations take second-place, the abuser is always right, sense of entitlement, ...) flow from that attitude. Whether the abuser actually believes themselves to be better or is terrified that...
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@JohnCarter the bit I refer to is in 1.4 describing the dynamics of coercive control:
"Legitimate power could be described as the capacity to influence, inspire, motivate, and invigorate and where the rewards are shared proportional to effort. Coercive power, on the other hand, is based on manipulation, threats, exploitation, and selfishness where the rewards... -
I also thought of parenting when I first read this. But the point of using consequences for children is that you are (hopefully) teaching them something that will be useful for all their life - the benefit is to them, and sometimes to both of you, as expressed in the definitions section where it talks about shared benefits. If I ground my teen for not telling...
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That sounds like a difficult situation for you. How are you coping?
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Thank you for the suggestions and best of luck in your new life.
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If you feel comfortable doing so, could you please give some examples, or one example, of what a woman controlling a man in this way might look like?
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@ChristopherReynolds it definitely looks like something that can't currently help PTSD sufferers, given their levels of norepinephrine while sleeping. Medication to reduce norepinephrine levels seems like it would be needed first.
I think the sound trigger is purely for the purpose of the experiment, so they can tell when that person is going to be... -
I'd also like an answer to this!
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I'm here to see how it could be useful with my autistic teen. Following you for more insight.
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@GrahamNimmo is it common for this sort of exercise to make the person doing it cry? Everyone here has commented how soothing and restful and happy it made them feel so I just wondered.
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I'm the same, and I can't see how the breathing would help really. :-/
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
This is fascinating and also a little sad to me, because what this is, is teaching non-autistic people to "stim" so they can feel better, whilst at the same time other areas of psychology do their utmost to stop autistic people from stimming and make us "normal". Please think twice before you stop an autistic person from flapping or tapping or doing whatever...
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I recently came across this energy accounting activity. While it was designed for autistic people like myself, I think anyone could use it. It helps establish which activities/situations are likely to deplete one's energy stores - you could easily adapt it to have four different sections, one for each "table...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Jen D
I didn't find his voice dull, but he speaks too slowly for me so I speed the video up (I often do this with FL videos anyway,and put the subtitles on). In case this helps you too, you can do it in the bottom right corner of the video under the little cogwheel symbol.
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Michaela O'Connor replied to jackie k
It has a neat side-effect of making taking drugs look less cool, so the younger generation may be less likely to get involved.
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I like this statement from the video:
"To me, wellbeing is the state in which we’re sufficiently resourced and supported that we are able both to meet the difficulties of life and be present to its joys."
I often find I can cope with the difficulties but am not really present to the joys. -
Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I am in Switzerland and I've joined this course because I'm about to start training to work with the local equivalent of the Samaritans helpline, so it seems useful.
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Jane Taggart
Yes, the question rather seemed like it was saying: "is peer pressure or peer pressure the main reason?" Which would explain why the poll shows a roughly 50-50 distribution!
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Laura Brown
Why should we get certification free of charge? It was pretty clear when we signed up to the course that picking the "free" option meant there was no certification. Or do you not think people deserve payment for their work?
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Natalia Yashina-Thomas
What you have written above is misleading. 200 pounds is not the price for *this* course, but for access to certificates in all FutureLearn courses. For those only wanting access to this individual course, the price is 74 dollars, which is nothing like 200 pounds - it's all very clearly stated everywhere when you go to pay. If you paid the higher amount, that...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Michaela O'Connor
@DonovanChoy Please try reading the link I posted. Denial is now a failed tactic in the light of it being really obvious that it's happening, so the former deniers have switched to "it's too late, it's too hard, we can't prevent so let's just adapt to the new reality and certainly not change anything that we're doing to make the new reality happen".
When in... -
Michaela O'Connor replied to Bill Jackson
@D.Henderson the course literally says we should adapt "instead" of preventing, in the first paragraph of this page:
Quote:
The reality is that climate change is what some have called a “wicked problem”—trying to eliminate this on a global scale would be too costly and political unattainable. There is now a growing consensus today on the need to approach... -
Yes it is a separate diagnosis, you can have one or the other or both. In fact IIRC for a long time you could not be diagnosed with both, as they thought you could only have one or the other.
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@GeorgeWatts this is an excellent point. Perhaps especially for autistic parents who were raised in an environment with clear rules (e.g. religious) and where there is seen to be a morally-right way of parenting (e.g. spare the rod and spoil the child). I know many autistic people, myself and my son included, may not be interested in what is socially...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Bill Jackson
The Adam Smith Center is a neoliberal thinktank, I just learned after being disturbed by the same thing as you. So not experts on climate change, and with their own reasons for not wanting policy change. I have reported the course for climate misinformation (see my comment above for reasons).
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Michaela O'Connor
and specifically at the category "Surrender" in Figure 1.
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I'm rather disturbed by the following:
"There is now a growing consensus today on the need to approach climate policy from an “adaptation” perspective instead. Climate change is simply a reality that we have to adapt to."
Instead? No. As well.
The sentence above is typical of the new climate change denial (=instead of denying it's happening, delay us... -
(As long as the child is happy, sleeping and eating of course! But if it's happy sleeping and eating and there is no discernible difference in ability to focus, the dose is probably too low).
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You probably know this already but just putting it here for anyone else who might read your comment: ADHD meds, whilst commonly available as pills which are harder to fine-tune the dose of, are often also available as drops, which can be fine-tuned really carefully to hit the sweet spot where they are helping and not causing harm such as major loss of...
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@LisaBarker is it actually possible for children under 5 to be diagnosed with ADHD? We live abroad and when I asked our pediatrician about it for my youngest (given neurodivergence in every member of the family so far!) he said they wouldn't even consider looking at it until she's in proper school, which here begins at age 6-7.
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My daughter has AD(H)D - it's the same diagnosis now. She has the inattentive presentation. I would say that if yours is happy, and the traits you mention are not causing her problems that she finds distressing in school or elsewhere, you may not need a diagnosis. But that is very much our personal experience, and if you live in a country where a diagnosis can...
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@AimeeWainwright my daughter has ADHD. It literally prevents her from focusing in school, to the point where my bright, intelligent girl who wants to be an astrophysicist went from top of the class to failing maths in the space of two years. She was devastated. When she was diagnosed, the doctor said: "if your daughter had bad eyesight, you would give her...
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@ChristineElson parents are not the only people responsible for childhood experiences, especially in a country where children go to school from age 4!
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@barbarahart if neurotypical people feel more comfortable with other neurotypicals, but the only thing they have in common is their neurotypicity, is this going to produce a lasting and meaningful relationship?
Stop reducing us to one thing! We are not just autistic and nothing else, just like you are not just old, or just neurotypical, or just female. Lots... -
Those are all great points and I think you're the only person who has mentioned them, particularly the language issue.
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
Speaking from personal experience:
People in their non-native culture can face an extra set of obstacles in daily life. "Have coffee with a friend" or "attend a church service" is a much more daunting prospect if no one locally speaks your mothertongue, so you are not just overcoming depression to get out there but also overcoming a linguistic barrier which... -
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I have one or more in almost every category mentioned in the National Autistic society link. I assume that can also be true of a non-autistic person? (I'm not saying neurotypical as obviously there are non-autistic NDs)
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Jeanne K
The "bad weirdnesses" like sensory issues go hand in hand with the good ones though. Several years ago, my youngest was given a T-shirt that said "Stay Weird" on it. She's now on her third (due to growing out of previous ones) and I've also copied the design onto a cushion cover. Our family is weird but we're happy, happier than a lot of NT families we know. I...
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@HannahBerry yes Swiss teachers are very keen on chewing gum for this reason! We also tried a "chewigem" which is like a silicone thing on a necklace they can bite on. But we found this led to bullying from other children who thought it was disgusting. (Personally I think gum is disgusting, given how it ends up under desks or on the bottom of shoes). She has...
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@KarenMcGovern in case George doesn't get to this for a while: no you don't need to read all the comments. :-) You don't even have to read any. Personally when I join a new course I read quite a few of the comments on the first couple of articles, "follow" the people I find interesting, and then only read comments from people I am following or who have...
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@barbarahart I hear your worry and I do feel it myself as well sometimes. But as several of us on here, myself included, have non-neurotypical families of our own, I can reassure you that that is just as good as having a neurotypical family like you want for your grandson. Happiness is not necessarily always found in being just like everyone else. :-) (And of...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Hazel Greenwood
Some of the small goals could also be done while breastfeeding, for instance browsing for new recipes. If she has a baby sling, she can also soothe the baby this way, carrying her while doing other things.
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@kirstyMillar-Kent that's interesting thank you. I wonder to what extent the ASD diagnosis is "corrupted" for want of a better word by the hearing/vision impairment. To explain: one of the things being looked for in an ASD diagnosis is difficulty in social situations. Being deaf, or partially deaf, automatically confers difficulty in social situations,...
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@LisaBarker that's an interesting statement ("ASD comes through the father's bloodline") - can you point me to any studies that support it? In my family we assumed it came from my side.
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My daughter chews things. Hems or cuffs of her clothing when she was smaller, followed by hair, fingernails,... now she will find something to eat if we don't stop her. It's like the mouth movement is a way of stimming. She only does it if she's bored or very focused mentally without her body being involved (which includes being in class and watching TV, but...
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
Does anyone know whether there are online quizzes (similar to the AQ one) where you can see what your profile looks like compared to the average person? Can that sort of test be used as part of a diagnosis, or pre-referral, or is it already?
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@HannahBerry my tween was just the same! Even after she started kindergarten she would get home and remove all her clothes if at all possible. I have to guess what size the clothing she has handed down is, as there are no labels on it at all any more - slightly annoying when you have another child in line to use it! And she also refuses point-blank to have...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Christina N
That's a great point that this may be different in different cultures! Thanks for sharing it.
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Julia Parkes
@JuliaParkes my husband is a human factors engineer. He is very honest, but also very good at diplomacy. (If I have a difficult email to write I run it past him before sending!) I think the idea is that you catch more flies with honey. If my tone or phrasing upsets people, they won't accept the message, no matter how honest or accurate. But diplomacy can be...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to barbara hart
My husband also made this comment - fostering a Them-and-us perspective is not necessarily helpful in the long run even if it helps redress imbalances in the short term.
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I very much relate to Damien's friend who is perceived as aggressive when he is actually just being firm in the fact of injustice. Sadly both those things are more socially acceptable coming from men. As a woman people see me as completely inappropriate.
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Julia Parkes
My husband probably has ADHD (our daughter has) and our experience bears out what you suggest. He is also very good at hearing my words and disregarding the tone of voice - sometimes he will tell me it didn't sound how I meant it to.
Interested to hear whether other couples also have this experience. -
@TanjaConniStrecker Yes exactly. I assumed that if there can be said to be a "right" and "wrong" interpretation (see text at 2'48" in the video), that means the people who created it had a specific interpretation in mind. Otherwise what would allow anyone to say that people who thought it was a fight were "wrong"?
@KarenSmith I'm lucky enough to live in... -
@GeorgeWatts does the presentation also change with age, to your knowledge? I wondered whether women from their forties were more likely to stop or reduce masking because they start not caring what people think as much (I'm told this is one of the advantages of the menopause?) Certainly I find it much harder to stay silent now when I see something that is...
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I have been a foreigner all my life, only living a combined total of 7 years in my native country. The third question made me wonder what the average age of autism diagnosis is for people like myself (and my children) compared to people growing up in their native culture @GeorgeWatts
My hypothesis is that we will be diagnosed later because people put at... -
My son refused to play anything but Star Wars at that age. This made life hard for his classmates, as they wanted to be friendly but knew nothing about Star Wars and would get things "wrong", thus upsetting him.
And still no one suggested he might need a diagnosis...! -
@KarenSmith I had the same thought when reading the "wrong interpretation" sentence. I went back and watched it and I could kind of see the "fighting" version, although some bits didn't seem to match as well.
Perhaps a better phrasing would have been "an interpretation other than the meaning intended by the creator"?
It reminds me of one time we went to an... -
This is pretty much what I saw too. I said baby instead of son (I have both girls and boys - I guess our own experience dictates what we see!)
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
A lot of what people describe as empathy is really more like sympathy. I've been doing a counselling course (which I'm going to give up as I'm poorly suited to it) and I always thought I was super-empathetic, understanding other people's feelings, but actually I'm highly sympathetic in that I see they are upset and feel sorry, and then relate their experience...
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@JuliaParkes ok I can see that now. My first assumption was the same as his, that she was dressed up to go out rather than having just come in.
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@TavisReddick I agree with @WillTuladhar-Douglas . Using Asian-sounding names actually adds an extra element of uncertainty. If the protagonists were Alice and Bob, they would most likely be in a Western country and it is therefore rude to invite oneself in and sit down for their meal. With the names chosen, they *could* be in or from a different culture where...
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I'm intrigued. What led you to the conclusion that Brenda is the bread-winner? It's not stated in the test.
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I see these the same, but I suppose that Hussain's friend and the other parent in the final scenario could for example be autistic and very bad at understanding implications. "We're about to eat" doesn't literally mean go away - that's only implied. And "I can pick them up tomorrow" could be construed as a genuine offer rather than a passive-aggressive...
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Agreed, but it's quite easy to slip into by accident - I did it myself last week, using "normal" for NT, and I'm autistic myself so really should know better! And of course some people also see/use "normal" as a derogatory term.
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@JoyceEllis we're doing just that with my 6-year old daughter. Not sure whether it's autism or just being six? Or both?! (My other two are both ND so we have nothing to compare to really)
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Another possibility is context. Maybe your granddaughter has more reason to lie. My son - aged 10 - once spent several weeks telling me that he had no homework to do, and his teacher that he hadn't done his homework because I needed him to help with his baby sister. It was a complete fabrication, but he knew that "I don't see the point in homework and would...
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@HannahBerry perhaps they will be able to catch up what they have been lacking later, like the children from the Romanian orphanage study that has been referenced in a few comments. Neuroplasticity is a great thing!
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Interesting conversation. I'd just like to point out that not all people with a diagnosis of autism have communication issues that are severe enough to be clearly visible at an early age, or even at any age, neither do they necessarily regress. And low desire to interact is not the same thing as zero desire. It's perfectly fair to say that for many NDs there...
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I also thought this. And I'm intrigued that the document seems to suggest that these children are neurotypical - my ND son also babbled and interacted, made eye-contact and mimicked at that age.
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Maybe the youtube channels say they're boys/girls?
I personally thought the first set were boys and the second girls based on clothing (colours or patterns maybe?) But I don't think it's to do with the first set being louder, as my 6-year old who watched with me immediately said "those aren't the same babies, these are girls" before we could actually hear them. -
@kirstyMillar-Kent could you elaborate on the hearing loss aspect please? How is it related to the diagnosis? Do you think a higher percentage of people with hearing loss are diagnosed with autism (than of people in the general population), or a higher percentage of people with autism have hearing loss, or subsequently suffer hearing loss? And if there are...
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It's officially not an accepted diagnosis any more, falling under the umbrella of autism. (My son was diagnosed last year and the psychologist said she would have given a diagnosis of Aspergers but that no longer exists).
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@LorraineNelson I'm partially deaf and know some (Swiss-German) sign language, and we do have sub-labels: completely and partially. And it is helpful to have those because you get tired of explaining the whole thing every time. A person could be deaf in just one ear and thus be unable to hear you if you stand on their "wrong" side, and/or in a busy environment...
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Without a name, how could people know what "them" you are referring to? :-)
As a woman, I am aware - and hopefully you are too - that much of medical science has historically been done by men, for men, about men. Women are after all probably as diverse as the male population, and are just a subset of humanity, pretty much the same as men really, so why...
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FutureLearn usually operates entirely through the videos and texts you can see here. I don't think there are any actual live classes online.
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Clare Edwards
He has your support and that is worth an awful lot.
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@StephanieMHart There is an article here which addresses the "are we all on the spectrum" question. It starts with a bit of a rant but hopefully that won't put you off. :-) I think you'll find it interesting whether you agree or not.
https://autisticnotweird.com/stop-saying/The last part of your question is really interesting to me though. "post covid...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Mark Brown
@TavisReddick that's interesting. I can only speak for myself but certainly the cognitive load of reconciling many pieces of information can give me overwhelm. I'm not convinced that most religious certainties do contribute to avoiding it, unless (as you suggest) one simply refuses to hear or accept any contradictory information. But if one has an inquiring...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Clare Edwards
I hear you. My son was tested for being "gifted" at 8. The test came back negative (as we expected!) but it didn't occur to us or apparently to any of the SEN staff to test him for anything else. As a result he only got diagnosed at 15, after years of bullying and struggles with social competence. I hope you get whatever support your son needs.
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I had an extremely organised mother, and I suspect that's why it never occurred to me that I might be on the spectrum until I was coping badly as an adult with less structure! Now if I am in an unstructured environment (with no set times for meals for instance) I get overwhelmed very fast. I also strongly prefer term-time to the holidays because my children's...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Mark Brown
@TavisReddick someone once pointed out to me that someone who is an intensely committed believer (in a religion) and can quote their holy book verbatim, is basically just as much a geek as the person who can argue about Star Wars canon with you. Religion can be a "special interest" too (it was mine as a child and young adult).
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Tavis Reddick
I'd love to hear an answer to that question. It must be pertinent to so many people.
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I loved your video, it made me cry. Thank you.
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I'm so glad there are people like you in the world!
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A diagnosis can feel quite scary. I hope this course will help normalise it for you and provide support. How old is your grandchild, if you don't mind my asking?
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I hope she can find help for the depression, support for her possible diagnosis, and that you will find the course useful.
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
Hi, I'm a mother of one teen with autism/Aspergers and one with AD(h)D. And I am probably also on the spectrum. So I'm just here to learn more generally.
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@VictoriaMarsden Glad to hear that! Yes I'm doing much better now thanks.
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I found the section on making the most of good feelings helpful. We are a whole family of ruminators and I will be sharing with them the suggestion of ruminating (meditating) on a good memory to break out of thinking about something bad.
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
I have to get up every day to get the children ready for school, and I think my depression would have been much worse if I hadn't had that obligation.
I tend to put off housework because as soon as it's done it needs doing again (washing clothes and running the dishwasher is ok though) and the system I now use to encourage me to do that is a task managing... -
@SairaNawaz
1. Sarah is already not taking her doctor's advice, she is unlikely to follow self-help information either
2. Maybe - but will Sarah choose to follow those goals? (Which would have to be set by Sarah, not by her daughter alone)
3. Encouragement is always good, but could just make Sarah feel worse. And social media is often a contributing factor... -
I hope you will be able to escape the vicious circle quickly in future! I've experienced it too.
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Michaela O'Connor replied to [Learner left FutureLearn]
I sometimes do that too, and occasionally I am pleasantly surprised, but more often than not I turn out to have been right in the first place and the experience is unpleasant or overwhelming. It's dispiriting to try to prove yourself wrong and have it backfire!
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
This week I started volunteering at a new food bank that has just opened. There are about 12 strangers in my group. They had all been there the previous week (I was ill so missed the first one) and we were waiting to be told what needed doing. I felt overwhelmed almost immediately - so many strangers, speaking a language I don't really master (with masks on),...
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Michaela O'Connor made a comment
Reward: packing boxes at the food bank (it's straightforward and quiet, and makes me happy to know it's helping someone even if I don't get to see it myself)
Pain: I avoided my normal volunteer shift at the library because no one ever comes in on my day and it's *so* boring.
Relief: I gave up a busy and loud job to prevent overwhelm (anyone else finding...
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Joy Pennick
That's a good point, entertainment is also a form of (pain) relief!
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Joanne Kenyon
Glad it's not just me with the housework! :-D
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Michaela O'Connor replied to Nandika R
What sort of risk do you think it poses?
